Humor

Submitted jokes!!!
Retirees
1. Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
2. Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
3. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
4. Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
5. Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount..
6. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
7. Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
8. Question: What is the common term for someone who
enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
9. Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their
adult kids will want to store stuff there.
10. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
11. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
12. Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to
school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
13. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss
work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Old Parrot Joke
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said, “I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
What to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time… Submitted by Sam Herb
  1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  2. Walk up to an employee and tell them “Code 3 in Housewares” and see what they do.
  3. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
  4. Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
  5. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
  6. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
  7. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
  8. Dart around the store suspiciously and loudly hum the “Mission Impossible” theme.
  9. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
  10. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!”
  11. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!”
  12. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, and wait awhile, then yell, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
YOU ARE AN ENGINEER IF…..
• you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
• your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
• your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
• you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids’ toys.
• you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• you window shop at Radio Shack
• your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
• you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
• you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
• you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
• you own ‘Official Star Trek’ anything.
• you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
• you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
• you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• you truly believe aliens are living among us.
• you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
• you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
• you have more toys than your kids.
• you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
• you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
• your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
• the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work, and you rush up to the front to fix it.
• you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
• you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already
• you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
• people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
• you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
• you did the sound system for your senior prom.
• your checkbook always balances.
• your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
• you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.
• you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
• you spend more on your home computer than your car.
• you know what http://stands for.
• you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
• your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
• the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
• you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
Teacher Arrested at Airport – Submitted by Sam Herb
At New York’s Kennedy airport yesterday, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a United Airlines flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.”Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes.”
“The rural visitor… “ – Submitted by Sam Herb
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Versace suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly How many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photo shop and exports it to a image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,” says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on, amused, as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.Then the shepherd says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the shepherd. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?””No guessing required,” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don’t know beans about my business …..”” … Now give me back my dog.”
Three Engineers in Car: Submitted by Unknown
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work ?”
The Engineer, Lawyer, and Accountant: Submitted by Unknown
Following a shipwreck, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant are adrift on a raft. In the distance, they see an island. The engineer, using his technical skills and knowledge of physics, ties himself to the raft using a rope. He dives into the water and swims towards the island pulling the raft behind him. Sharks attack. The lawyer and the accountant barely manage to save him. Next, the lawyer dives in planning to use his golden tongue as well as speedy footwork to get the castaways to the island. At once, the sharks attack and the accountant saves him. Finally, the accountant dives into the water not even bothering with the rope. The sharks sweep in, but instead of attacking the accountant, they push the raft to the island. The engineer and lawyer are amazed. “How did you do that?” they ask. “Professional etiquette,” he replies.
The Atheist and a Bear: Submitted by Unknown
As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, “What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created.” Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him. The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast. He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him. The atheist screamed, “Oh my God!!!”
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?”
“Very well,” the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws
together bowed its head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

WordPress Anti-Spam by WP-SpamShield

© 2018 - ISA-PHILLY
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!